DADDY

Today , I talked about mama and papa. Some how i cried less than i use to but when i just sat in my room staring at the pretty white walls, tears slowly roll down.  And i cry and cry and cry and cry. I ask myself deep in my heart behind those tears. Why? why am i crying? Why didnt i cry when i talked about it just now? Why now? Maybe it meant NOTHING when i talked. Or maybe there is something. I know there's no solid answer. Maybe if i, through this hurt live and learn and try, try to search for papa. But how could i ever be normal? How? There's to many questions unanswered. Probably its up to me to answer it or shall i just ignore it? I just felt so far away from papa. The more i move on the more harder it is for me to put him back in my heart. And i hate this. I want him close, close to me so that i wont ever feel the distance . I want the feeling of secure and closeness that no one and i mean NO ONE could replace.

When i lay down on my bed, i miss those times when i can just walk into his room, lay on his bed and just sleep there until he comes back from work knowing he'll never wake me up but instead tuck me in. Then when i finally woke up he would say "So Manja laa you girl" *manja means spoiled* and i would just smile and hug him. Or the moments like walking with him because people always just somehow knows i am his daughter and when he fetch me from school and brings me to lunch and training. The fact that we talked like father and daughter in the restaurant, made me feel closer to him.  God if i had a chance to ask you a question, it'd be "Why did you spare me 2 months in getting to know my dad and get closer to him, yet take him away from me right after?"

In that 2 months. I get to learn about my dad. So much that i thought i barely knew him. I was never this close to my dad until the last 2 months before he left. My wish came true. To get to know my dad. Get closer to him. Listen to him and understands him. Most importantly loving him more than i use to. I am glad he was able to do the same. But 2 months? 2 months is not enough. If i could trade a few years of my life for him i would. I'd rather have him for years and not getting to know him that well than 2 months of bonding yet looses him in the end. Yes, i know people die and that's the fact of life. I know i say things like "Love with open heart like open palms, so next time its easier to let go". The bad news is, I love him with an open heart and closed it right that instance, now i couldn't let go, I don't want to.

Someday i wish some one could answer all these question for me. Give me an answer. So that i could stop using IF. So that i don't have to always write all this depressing stuff when it comes to mind. So that i can let go. And for now the only person that could answer all these is DADDY. But he is no longer here to answer me. I need an answer. Maybe i wish i could tell you daddy, tell you how much i LOVE you even without those 2 months. YOU meant soo much to me daddy. You and only you could ever understand how i feel about everything. Only you can understand my thought by just looking at me. But daddy where are you now? Can you hear me? DO you know i feel now?


I am terrified to love. Terrified to lose someone i love and not being able to let go. To get hurt. I am tired of crying and trying. I m tired. Just tired.


I WANT MY DADDY BACK 

xoxo