THE JOURNAL

Seems like today to me, this year is going to be different. Went to school for M.A.K. Met all my teachers whom are really nice to me. The difference was i went as a ex-student. It felt weird and i felt guilty that i failed to help my bestie to take her awards because our name was close to each other. :( I M SOO SORRY. But other than that, i am now currently writing a journal about life and stuff of me and my 2 best friend. So that someday when i read it, i will always remember this year 2011. The year that might bring alot of changes in our lives and already are. I miss my best friend in USA. I seriously miss talking to her about sooo MANY things. Anyway, this Journal.

Hmm this Journal is called THIS JOURNAL BELONGS. I know it sound all plain and stuffs but it means alot, it means it could belong to any of us. Continue writing it and it will mean something. Its our journey from 2011 onwards. With pictures and journeys from all 3 of us. Maybe also about others around us. The events that has been happening in our life. I hope to continue writing this journal till the day i die, so that someday someone might read it and know what friendship is like and how we cope with it, so that they'll know that no matter how far we are from each other we try our best to be close to each other. And that is what sisterhood and friendship are all about. So that someday they will continue this journal for me about their friendship and sisterhood. This journal maybe a thing that i start because i was bored and i've got nothing else to do, but i tell you this, its something you'll never want to miss out doing in your life.

Start writing a journal atleast for yourself or do it, maybe like me for friendship and sisterhood.
So that someday when you feel like reading something, read it and read it from the start, i promise you,
IT WILL DEFINITELY MAKE YOU SMILE

Soo have a little COURAGE, have a little FAITH, have a little SOLITARY in life.

p/s i miss u guys both. still no matter how close and far we are from each other.
xxx
AMBERSTORIES

DADDY

Today , I talked about mama and papa. Some how i cried less than i use to but when i just sat in my room staring at the pretty white walls, tears slowly roll down.  And i cry and cry and cry and cry. I ask myself deep in my heart behind those tears. Why? why am i crying? Why didnt i cry when i talked about it just now? Why now? Maybe it meant NOTHING when i talked. Or maybe there is something. I know there's no solid answer. Maybe if i, through this hurt live and learn and try, try to search for papa. But how could i ever be normal? How? There's to many questions unanswered. Probably its up to me to answer it or shall i just ignore it? I just felt so far away from papa. The more i move on the more harder it is for me to put him back in my heart. And i hate this. I want him close, close to me so that i wont ever feel the distance . I want the feeling of secure and closeness that no one and i mean NO ONE could replace.

When i lay down on my bed, i miss those times when i can just walk into his room, lay on his bed and just sleep there until he comes back from work knowing he'll never wake me up but instead tuck me in. Then when i finally woke up he would say "So Manja laa you girl" *manja means spoiled* and i would just smile and hug him. Or the moments like walking with him because people always just somehow knows i am his daughter and when he fetch me from school and brings me to lunch and training. The fact that we talked like father and daughter in the restaurant, made me feel closer to him.  God if i had a chance to ask you a question, it'd be "Why did you spare me 2 months in getting to know my dad and get closer to him, yet take him away from me right after?"

In that 2 months. I get to learn about my dad. So much that i thought i barely knew him. I was never this close to my dad until the last 2 months before he left. My wish came true. To get to know my dad. Get closer to him. Listen to him and understands him. Most importantly loving him more than i use to. I am glad he was able to do the same. But 2 months? 2 months is not enough. If i could trade a few years of my life for him i would. I'd rather have him for years and not getting to know him that well than 2 months of bonding yet looses him in the end. Yes, i know people die and that's the fact of life. I know i say things like "Love with open heart like open palms, so next time its easier to let go". The bad news is, I love him with an open heart and closed it right that instance, now i couldn't let go, I don't want to.

Someday i wish some one could answer all these question for me. Give me an answer. So that i could stop using IF. So that i don't have to always write all this depressing stuff when it comes to mind. So that i can let go. And for now the only person that could answer all these is DADDY. But he is no longer here to answer me. I need an answer. Maybe i wish i could tell you daddy, tell you how much i LOVE you even without those 2 months. YOU meant soo much to me daddy. You and only you could ever understand how i feel about everything. Only you can understand my thought by just looking at me. But daddy where are you now? Can you hear me? DO you know i feel now?


I am terrified to love. Terrified to lose someone i love and not being able to let go. To get hurt. I am tired of crying and trying. I m tired. Just tired.


I WANT MY DADDY BACK 

xoxo

Just Go With It

Well i guess the title says it all. Comes from a movie. stealing the meaning of the movie and post it in her blog. well if you did guess that. I'll prove you wrong! *partly prove you wrong* :P My bestie and i went to watch that movie yesterday as i am now back in Malaysia :) I miss England and how things and people are. I m trying to get use to the Malaysian thingy and style again :) Back to the point. Just Go With It remind us(more of me i guess) that sometimes we need to take a chance and look deeper in life. Because the one or things you love might just be right in front of your eyes and you never notice. Maybe its time to look and understand. Seek and find. Fall and pick ourselves up again.

As we talk while we waited for the movie, i realised how much we have both grown in these past few months. We are big girls now. More sensitive with girls issues but nonetheless we are still who we are. She have really thought me alot about dealing with my feelings. But girl this i tell you, we fall and break. Its hard and it hurts but look deeper inside he might be just there waiting for you. Sometimes its better to be friends than to be nothing at all. Sometimes it makes you feel better by looking at them being happy. And God will bless you abundantly, for giving love and asked nothing in return. Because that is what He did and that is what love is all about. I love you.  :) You know who you are.

And to my bestie somewhere in the world not Malaysia. I love you alot and i miss you. wish you are here to listen and share with us all about your current life. Enjoy your life and i know you will. Stay positive like you always do and again I LOOVE YOU. TAKE CARE  :)

As for me, I dont really know. But if  he is reading this somewhere. I want work things out. Even if you dont. I wish we could atleast stay as friends. You are who you are and never change yourself because its the only reason why i first liked you. Again, I promised myself to have a little solitary and a little courage in life.

P/S: You know who you all are. And i love you :)
xoxo